Saturday, March 24, 2007

The "Patriarchy Psalms," 127 and 128, have been a clarion call to generations of men who have been moved, by God's grace, to throw off the world's view of limiting the size of their families. Of seeing children as a burden and a curse. Of regarding children as "another mouth to feed." They take us back to the Dominion Mandate to "be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it." (Gen. 1:18) Children are described as "a heritage from the LORD," "a reward," "arrows in the hands of a warrior," "olive plants around your table."

For those who say, "I can't handle the ones I've got," or "I can barely afford the two I have," or "I don't have enough patience for more," or "How can I give one-on-one attention to so many?" the Bible tells us that God is the one who feeds us and our children, that He gives us everything we need to perform every good deed, that He will be a God to us and our children, that He rewards us with children so that we may be a blessing to others.

Now may He who supplies seed to the sower, and bread for food, supply and multiply the seed you have sown and increase the fruits of your righteousness, while you are enriched in everything for all liberality, which causes thanksgiving through us to God. (2 Cor. 9:10-11, emphasis mine)

God gives not only us, but the world, our children as a blessing. When we train up godly seed, the world (which God "so loved") is blessed; first the family of faith and then the ungodly, too, on whom God pours common grace.

For the administration of this service not only supplies the needs of the saints, but also is abounding through many thanksgivings to God, while, through the proof of this ministry, they glorify God for the obedience of your confession to the gospel of Christ, and for your liberal sharing with them and all men. (2 Cor. 9:12-13, emphasis mine)

So, when we're obedient to our confession to the gospel of Christ, and believe God's proclamation that children are a blessing and that through the seed of Abraham (which means, through our seed) all nations will be blessed, the saints and all men rejoice and give thanks to God. That thanksgiving is also a blessing. Jesus was the firstborn of many brethren, of whom are we and our children.

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift! (2 Cor. 9: 15)

"Amen and Amen!" we say. We affirm with our mouths that children are blessing. We confess with our tongues that God is Lord of the womb. We ask God to bring more children into our families, "by whatever means." But for all our thanks to God, we often follow the world—and that which is worldly in the church—and treat our children like trophies. Our "obedience" like a badge of righteousness. Our patriarchal vision like a ticket to the front of the line of elder candidates.

We focus on ruling our own families well, not for our families sake—that they would grow in grace, learning to submit with all joy to the authority God has, in His love, placed over them—but for our own "advancement" in the eyes of men. We parade our obedient children in front of others to "show the world" that Jesus' ways are good.

But, it's not just about those who are afar off believing the gospel. It's about building the kingdom through our calling as fathers to our children. It's not about having children. It's about training up children. Making disciples of them. Enjoying them as the blessings they are, and the blessings they are to all men. And so, to really see them as blessings, we must also treat them as blessings.

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Phil. 1:3-6)

Like Paul, we ought to give thanks to our God on "every remembrance" of our children, always in every prayer making request for them with joy. And, like Paul, we need to express gratitude for our children to our children. God has made our wilderness like Eden, our desert like the garden of the Lord. May we let joy and gladness be found in it, thanksgiving and the voice of melody. (Is. 51:3, emphasis mine)

Our children, like we, have been brought back from captivity; they have been established in God's covenant and the ruins have been rebuilt. Now, says the Lord, "out of them shall come thanksgiving and the voice of those who make merry." (Jer. 30:19) He goes on to say, in verse 20, "And I will punish all who oppress them." Who oppresses our children? We do when we provoke them to wrath.

Delight in your children. Enjoy sitting with them and hearing their tales of adventure—even if it's the ninety-ninth time you've heard it. Rejoice to hold them in your lap and read to them, whether it's God's word, or Dr. Seuss, or poetry, or the story they just wrote. Write songs to and about your children and sing them. Learn to harmonize hymns as a family. A movie once had a family sharing "Highs and Lows" at the dinner table. Forget the lows and ask them about their highs. Share your heart and get to know theirs. For all physical indications to the contrary, they are not Mini-Me's; God has made them unique and He's given them to you so you will grow in grace.

Thank your children for their godly character. For being a blessing to you and your family. For reading God's word and hiding it in their hearts. For being your "little man" or "little lady." Let them be your joy and your joy will increase!

Thank God for kids. For your kids!

Now, if you'll excuse me… I need to go thank my children for being my children.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

At five o'clock on the due date, R. C. asked me to write an article for Every Thought Captive. The topic? Obeying foolish rulers. Fitting.

It sounded like a request. He seemed to be asking me if I wanted to write an article. But as I walked over to his desk to learn more about what he expected before accepting, I saw that he had already typed by name next to the title. This wasn't a request. It was a requirement of my new job as Assistant Director of the Highlands Study Center.

So I write. Not because I am new in the job and want to make a good early impression, although that's certainly true. Not because I am an expert on obeying foolish rulers, although I do… I mean, have… worked for a few. I write because my boss told me to write. And though I think him foolish for asking me to write at this late date, I do want to please R. C.

But I want to please Jesus more.

In his letter to the church at Ephesus, Paul tells us employees to "be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; with good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men." (Eph. 6:5-7)

Which is why, in my former life—last month—I worked 200 hours in two weeks with practically no help to meet a ridiculous deadline which was foolishly and arbitrarily set, having been based on false assumptions, incomplete information and unrealistic expectations. I was obeying foolish rulers. Rulers, I submit, who do not kiss the Son.

My house near Austin was already on the market. I had already interviewed for a couple of jobs, including this one. We had already told friends and family that we were leaving Texas within the month. We were moving to Saint Peter as soon as I had a job or the house sold, whichever came first. The job came first—right during the home stretch of meeting that deadline.

Nevertheless, I worked twelve days in two weeks averaging over 16 hours per day. I met the deadline. The project was a huge success. Everyone was elated with the outcome.

I gave my notice the next day.

My project coordinator couldn't figure out why I'd put in so many hours to assure the success of this project. She couldn't figure out why I wasn't slacking off on the job with "short-timers' disease." But what she didn't know was that I wasn't serving her but Christ my Husband, who is never a foolish ruler.

Which is also the reason I didn't work fourteen 16-hour days in two weeks.

"And God spake all these words… Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: but the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: for in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it." (Ex. 20:1a, 8-11)

My manager had already handed down a poor evaluation for me two months prior for being "unwilling to work on weekends." The one "weekend" I supposedly was unwilling to work, I had worked sixteen hours on Friday and another ten on Saturday. It was Sunday that I told them I was unavailable because it's the Lord's Day and my family would be attending worship together and resting.

Knowing that I was leaving the company and the state to move my family to Saint Peter, I was tempted to assume a laissez faire attitude toward the work. What're they going to do? Fire me? But that would have been disobedient to and dishonoring of my Head. After my poor performance evaluation, I was certainly tempted to work on Sundays to complete the project on time and please my boss. But, that wouldn't have been pleasing to my Boss.

Again, my project coordinator was totally confused on why she couldn't reach me all day on Sunday. But, again, what she didn't know was that I wasn't serving her but Christ my Husband, who is never a foolish ruler.

Jesus bid me labor six days and do all my work. And He bid me rest on the seventh day.

My children saw—and helped—my dear wife, Amy who is great with child, as she worked extra strenuously those two weeks because of my work schedule. And they saw me rest on Sunday. By obeying Christ; by working to please Him and not man, I was also teaching my children to obey their Husband by obeying me, even when I am the foolish ruler.

Amy had it more difficult than I did. As she served me, she was serving those who were over me. But she didn't work for them. They didn't pay her for her time. She had no recourse against them. No "open door" through which she could walk to air her grievances. She had a schedule imposed on her from someone to whom she was never called to submit. But, because she loves her Husband, she served her husband as he served his Husband by serving his boss.

So, in the midst of unpacking and learning the myriad ways to drive to Mendota from just about any exit off I-81, I write my first article for Every Thought Captive, in obedience to my new boss. But it's Christ who put me here, and Christ that I'm serving, even as I serve R. C.

Thank you, Sir. May I have another?

[Originally published in Every Thought Captive, Vol. 9, Issue 2; March/April 2005]

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Having only been in Southwest Virginia a short while, I haven't yet learned whom it is they tell jokes about. But, where I come from, it's Aggies (folks who attend, attended, or ever knew anyone they liked who attends or attended Texas A&M University).

An Aggie had just completed his studies and was awarded a Bachelor of Science in Mechanical Engineering. The Texas Highway Department knew a qualified candidate when they saw one, so they hired him immediately. He was tasked with painting the yellow stripe down the middle of the highway.

After three days, his boss called him in and advised him that he was no longer needed. When the Aggie asked why he was being dismissed, the boss answered, "On your first day here, you painted three miles of stripe, which is good. On your second day, you painted two miles—not as good, but still acceptable. Today, you only painted one mile. This is too far below our standards."

The Aggie accepted the explanation and left. On his way out the door, he said, "Well, alright, but I want you to know, it wasn't my fault. The paint can kept getting farther and farther away."

We hear jokes like this and think, "Work Smarter Not Harder." But, is that was God says? Because we're worldly, when God says to Adam in Genesis 3:17, "Cursed is the ground for your sake," we hear, "work is a curse." We forget that man was created to till the earth (Gen. 2:5) and woman was created to help him (Gen. 2:18, 21-22). It wasn't until after the Fall that that work became difficult (Gen. 3:17-19). The tilling is not the curse, it's weeding. We now have an extra task.

But, we're not off the hook there, either. God tells Adam that he is still to bring forth his food from the ground. It is by taking dominion that we are even allowed to eat! Paul said, "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." (2 Thess. 3:10). This is not a new commandment, but a reiteration of the dominion mandate God gave to Adam. If we don't weed the garden, it quickly turns into jungle, producing very little, if any, that will provide nourishment. Jesus said, "in the world you will have tribulation." (John 16:33) Escaping the tribulation that comes with work, means avoiding the work. And going hungry.

God created man in His image; on that we can agree. But even here, we tend to think in ontological terms: because God is a choosing being, we can choose what socks to wear; because God is an emotive being, we can laugh. What we miss is that the exercise of dominion is a reflection of His image. Work reflects the image of God. The first view we have of God is of Him working. "In the beginning, God created…" He's working. To truly reflect his image, we must go out, take the dirt and turn it into something.

And that's how we are to love our jobs, to see the short line between our work and God. Indeed, this is the proper way to enjoy anything, when we can recognize the short walk it is to God. The shorter the walk, the more enjoyment. And work is a very short walk.

Satan has sold us a lie that work is a curse—that everybody's working for the weekend. Everybody's working so they can take a couple of days to do something they really enjoy. Nobody enjoys work; it's just a means to an end. And that end is to stop working… to retire. Which is why you see so many "mature" Americans "running out the clock," traveling across the country in their RVs.

Ironically, though we hate our jobs, we’re concerned about them being "outsourced" and sent overseas. Which is even more ironic when you consider that most of our brethren in the evangelical church have already outsourced themselves from their parenting job when they send their children off to day care, pre-school or the local government school. I received an email from my friend, Greg de Mocskonyi, in which he coined what he believes is a new term:

Educational/Parental Outsourcing. It's gotta ring to it, huh? I came up with it listening to some bloke complaining about his job going overseas—being outsourced—and how hard it is to pay for daycare on one paycheck—his wife's. I asked if his wife minded her job being outsourced. He was puzzled. He said her clerical job (Why do wives always seem to have clerical jobs?) was fine and was safe from outsourcing. I said, "Not her employment, her parenting job. You've outsourced her role as a mother. It's parental outsourcing." The conversation pretty much ended there. I don’t think he was nearly as amused at my coinage of a new term as I was.

As we discussed on a recent Basement Tape titled All in the Family, we're afraid to actually parent our children because it's hard. That's why we send them off to the "experts" (the government, the Sunday School teacher, the youth group leader), so that we can avoid the work. But, when we do that, we miss out on the blessing of building the Kingdom. God has ordained that we teach our children who God is, what He has done and what He requires of them. And he has given us the means in Deuteronomy 6:

And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.(vv 6-7)

Pretty straightforward, huh?
Likewise, he gives clear instructions on how to work in Colossians 3:

Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ. (vv 22-24)

So, as Jonathan Daugherty says, "quit complaining about the thorns and thistles." Roll up your sleeves, get your fingernails dirty, go the extra mile, work the extra hour; go out and take some dirt and turn it into stuff. That's worship. That's reflecting the image of God. Then you can truly enter into your Master's rest with peace.

[Originally published in Every Thought Captive, Vol. 9, Issue 5; Sept/Oct. 2005]

Friday, June 16, 2006

When RCJR and I had the privilege of visiting in the Phillips family home last September, I witnessed a mealtime like I'd never experienced before. Doug sat at the head of a table of 21 people: the Phillips family, the Vision Forum interns, other VF staff, a couple of young ladies who helped with the meal, and us. From this seat of honor (with children on his left and his right), Doug lead a two-hour discussion wherein he led us through a history lesson, a recap of the day's activities, a status report of upcoming events, a Bible quiz (with prizes), poetry-reading, and prayer. I know I learned a great deal during the two evening meals I enjoyed there. His children get this every day!

Which led me on a study of the family meal table... My studies aren't complete, but I have found some resources that have helped a great deal. And I've written about them on my other blog, Leading the Way, which focuses on a father's role to lead his family in every way.

[Read more...]

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Well, another Highlands Study Center conference is behind us. I received lots of positive feedback. The title of the conference was Generations: Giving Honor to Whom Honor is Due. The speakers were top-notch and delivered powerful lectures to our crowd of over 700 people (in less than 200 families, mind you).

One of the wonderful aspects of my job is that I get to interact with godly men and families who are impacting the lives of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands or millions of lives. Of course, working for R. C. Sproul Jr. is a joy and a privilege. He is a wonderful father, a devoted husband, a caring friend and shining example of Christ's grace to men. His father, R. C. Sproul—whom I've listened to and read for years, I've had the privilege of meeting only once before, after a long trip to RCJR's house. We didn't converse much on that occasion, but this one was different. He is a gracious, godly man, who loves his son and his grandchildren with abandon. (He also loves the Steelers, but I'm willing to overlook that—indeed, it's a Sproul family trait!) Doug Phillips, founder of Vision Forum, is a man among men. How wonderful it was to have Beall and all the children with him this time! And Doug's father, Howard Phillips, is a powerhouse who understands the major challenges of our day!

Rowan and I arrived at the airport Thursday in time to see the younger Phillips family, along with Peter Bradrick, Doug's personal assistant, and Nathaniel Darnell, Vision Forum's new "video guy," exit the plane—they had half the seats on the plane. We loaded up the 15-passenger van—with Nathaniel and all of their luggage; everyone else rode in two other rental cars! ;)

After depositing them all at the hotel and making sure they found a place to have dinner, Rowan and I headed home for a quick dinner ourselves. Later that evening, I had the pleasure of a "being a fly on the wall" during a conversation between all four of our speakers on the topic of "Reformation and Revolution." It will be our next Basement Tape that will soon go out to all of our monthly supporters, who, like me, will also get to be a "fly on the wall."

In the conversation after the conversation, Doug asked RCJR to share some of his memories of great and godly men who had shared the family meal table with them when he was growing up. The ensuing conversation revealed a common thread between these two families in the way they had families meals. Both of the "second generation" families continue the tradition of a father teaching his children at the family meal table, with differences of style and content, of course. Stay tuned for a post in the near future regarding the family meal table...

Talking with RC Sr. and Howard was a treat. Both are gracious, humble men, and I count it a privilege to know them. I had a chance to talk with Howard during lunch on Saturday about the work my friend, Robert, and I had done founding the Constitution Party of Williamson County while we were still in Texas. When I asked what we could do locally to get a party going, he recruited me to run for office... almost. ;) Lunch took longer than expected, and Howard offered to skip his lunch and head back to the conference in order to keep us on track. As we continued to wait, I took him up on his offer, wrapping his meal up to go when it came. He ate it (cold) between the next two breaks with no complaint. I'm deeply grateful for his sacrifice for the sake of our conferees. (He also gave me some catering advice that I'll use next year!)

Another meal, after the conference, at the Sprouls' Jr. home was another delight. A delicious dinner cooked by Matt Clement (a local favorite chef!) and extraordinary hospitality by the Williams family of Kennesaw, GA, set the stage for engaging conversation and warm fellowship with the Phillips and Sproul families. While Rowan was playing outside with the Sproul and Phillips children, Amy and I had the pleasure of relaxed conversation at our table with Doug & Beall, Howard, Laurence & Angela, and Dakota & Samantha. The family meal table came up again here and the ensuing discussion helped Amy and me solidify some plans of our own to change the way we do things.

Later, we all roared at the banter and antics of RC Sr. and Howard as they "one-upped" one another naming Boston Braves players (the Braves left Boston after the 1952 season!). These two made quick friends and we all laughed at their stories from days gone by.

One of the highlights of the conference was the beautiful singing of Genevan Foundation, made up of the three oldest Serven children and our own Jonathon Landell (who also played piano and was our roving photographer). This talented quartet led us all in a Psalm Sing Saturday morning, with a beautiful rendition of Psalm 98.

We were touched by a request after worship on Sunday. Mrs. Serven approached me and said her children had discussed it and they wanted to get to know us better, but only had two small hotel rooms to offer as a place to fellowship. So, the sixteen of us spread out at one long table at Cracker Barrel and had a wonderful time! After that, we welcomed them into our somewhat messy (from a week of conference preparation) home. What a joy they were! Our only regret is that Marcus (the patriarch of the clan) was unable to be with them. However, a great treat, especially for Rowan, was when Rebecca, Nathan and Elizabeth let him join in as tenor on singing "Genevan Song," which was featured on the SAICFF 2005 Jubilee Award-winning documentary, "A Journey Home," directed/produced by Ken Carpenter at Franklin Springs Family Media. Rowan just beamed! Thanks, guys!

Speaking of the Carpenters... Amy had the pleasure of getting to know Ken and his lovely wife, Devon, at the Franklin Springs booth during the conference. During their conversation, they worked out to spend some time with us on Monday before they headed home. We met them at Java J's for coffees and danishes and pleasant conversation, while the children enjoyed the board games provided. Then it was back to our house for lunch. Again, a delightful visit was had by all!

This is a conference our family will never forget! And we can't wait to see all of our new friends again.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Things didn't start off so well, but they soon got better...

Two Thursdays ago, DJ, a friend from Saint Peter picked me up on the way to retrieve Doug Phillips from the airport along with his daughter, Jubilee, and his personal assistant, Peter. Just before we got the exit for the airport, the transmission went out on the car. We coasted to a stop on the side of the road... and, well... stopped.

Doug's plane was due to land in 20 minutes and here we were, three miles from the airport, stranded. A quick call to RC and a vehicle and driver were dispatched from Mendota, 45 minutes away. Another call and a tow truck would be there within the hour. After waiting 50 minutes, another car and driver were dispatched from the Tennessee side of Bristol, 15 minutes away I was told. Twenty minutes later, I had a short phone conversation with Peter assuring him our ride was "five minutes away." Ten minutes later, Driver A pulls up. I hop out and meet him while DJ waits for Driver B and the tow truck.

We finally arrive at the airport an hour and 10 minutes after the plane landed. Doug and Company are waiting for us with smiles and quickly load up. We're finally on the way to the Sprouls. (As we pass DJ, we see that indeed, Driver B and the tow truck have arrived.)

Now, I find it a rare pleasure to get to work with RC. This is the great encourager who writes those convicting articles for dads (for me, that is!) in Homeschooling Today; the author who wrote the book that challenges me daily in leading my family, When You Rise Up; the teacher who helps me understand the battle between the Seed of the woman and the seed of the serpent; the pundit who helped me see the validity of not voting for the lesser of two evils; the agrarian who is the reason I'm considering getting chickens this summer.

He's also my pastor, the baptiser of my children who presented them to the congregation as three of the "stars" or "grains of sand" promised to Abram, my neighbor, my friend. That God would bless me with the job of serving this man is a great testimony to His grace and I thank Him for the privilege, while begging for the wisdom to serve him well.

But, here I am, riding in a van with Doug Phillips, the great encourager who first exhorted me to lead my family well; the preacher of the Gospel who first challenged me to believe the Bible that children are a blessing, a reward from God; the promoter of Beautiful Girlhood and Courageous Boyhood who offers tools for training boys for manhood and girls for womanhood; another pundit who helped me see the validity of not voting for the lesser of two evils; the standard-bearer of honor and loyalty who has taught me the meaning of honoring those in authority over me.

Thinking Peter and I would be working out the details of Doug's visit while Doug worked on his presentations or relaxed from the flight and the wait at the airport, I didn't expect to have much talk time with Doug. In actuality, he spoke more than anyone. After interrogating our driver, young Johnathan Kiser, Doug turned his attentions to me.

"So, are you here doing work for RC or did you just decide this is place for your family?"

"I decided this was the place for my family."

"Oh! And have you found work here?"

"Yes. I work for RC."

"Oh! You're the one we've been praying for!" Doug exclaimed.

Wow! I hadn't thought about the fact that I was an answer to the prayers of so many people who read ETC and support the work of the Highlands Study Center... including Doug Phillips! That was inspiring and humbling all at the same time.

A little later in our journey, Doug stated that he wished to share something that was unprecedented and unsolicited and asked my permission to share it. What was I going to say? Out with it, man! He then spent the next 15 minutes encouraging me, exhorting me, mentoring me. RC wrote a squib after Vision Forum's Christian Film Festival last year about that fact that Doug's parents had given him the wrong name; that they should have named him Barnabus ("The Encourager"). I'm here to tell you... it's not just to his peers that this is true.

I was privileged to spend several other occasions with Mr. "Please call me Doug" Phillips during his 4-day visit to the Highlands Study Center: lunch, brief chats in the speakers' lounge, driving him to his hotel, dinner with the Sprouls and Windhams, third Sunday picnic, breakfast, and driving him to his flight on Monday. He was always considerate, always encouraging, always respectful, always honoring.

I can't wait until next year when he comes back with his father, Howard Phillips, to speak at our annual conference again. He'll join the intrepid Dr. R. C. Sproul, Jr., and his father, Dr. R. C. Sproul. If you want to know more about next year's conference (including registering for it), drop me a comment and I'll get back to you.

Friday, February 25, 2005

In Texas, the compulsory attendance laws are where we look for what the State says about the compulsion of our children to be in their schools. To be exempt for compulsory attendance, the State says a child must be enrolled in a private or parochial school that teaches Reading, Spelling, Grammar, Math and a course in Good Citizenship. In 1913, when the law was written, perhaps it was obvious what a "course in Good Citizenship" would encompass. In the absence of a "Good Citizenship" catechism passed down from the state, I offer this treatise as a way to "follow the State's lead" on what it means to be a Good Citizen...

The True Nature of Government
Author Unknown

I think it is very important that we teach our children about the true nature of government. Now, at last, there is a way to give your children a basic civics course right in your own home!

In my own experience as a father, I have discovered several simple devices that can illustrate to a child's mind the principles on which the modern state deals with its citizens.

You may find them helpful too.

For example, I used to play the simple card game WAR with my son. After a while, when he thoroughly understood that the higher ranking cards beat the lower ranking ones, I
created a new game I called GOVERNMENT. In this game, I was Government, and I won every trick, regardless of who had the better card. My boy soon lost interest in my new game, but I like to think it taught him a valuable lesson for later in life.

When your child is a little older, you can teach him about our tax system in a way that is easy to grasp and will allow him to understand the benefits. Offer him, say, $10 to mow the lawn. When he has mowed it and asks to be paid, withhold $5 and explain that this is income tax. Give $1 of this to his younger brother, who has done nothing to deserve it, and tell him that this is "fair" because the younger brother 'needs money too'. Also, explain that you need the other $4 yourself to cover the administrative costs of dividing the money and for various other things you need.

Make him place his $5 in a savings account over which you have authority. Explain that if he is ever naughty, you will remove the money from the account without asking him. Also explain how you will be taking most of the interest he earns on that money, without his permission. Mention that if he tries to hide the money, this, in itself, will be evidence of wrongdoing and will result in you automatically taking the money from him.

Conduct random searches of his room in the small hours of the morning. Burst in unannounced. Go through all of his drawers and pockets. If he questions this, tell him you are acting on a tip-off from a mate of his who casually mentioned that you had both earned a bit of spare cash last week. If you find it, confiscate all of that money and also take his stereo and television. Tell him you are selling these and keeping the money to compensate you for having to make the raid. Also lock him in his room for a month as further punishment.

When he cries at the injustice of this, tell him he is being "selfish" and "greedy" and only interested in looking after his own happiness. Explain that he should learn to sacrifice his own happiness for other people and that since he cannot be relied upon or trusted to do this voluntarily, you will use force to ensure he complies. Later in life he will thank you.

Make as many rules as possible. Leave the reasons for them obscure. Enforce them arbitrarily. Accuse your child of breaking rules you have never told him about and carefully explain that ignorance of your rules is not an excuse for breaking them. Keep him anxious that he may be violating commands you haven't yet issued. Instill in him the feeling that rules are utterly irrational. This will prepare him for living under a democratic government.

He is too young to understand the benefits of democracy, so explain this wonderful system as follows:

You, your wife and his brother get together and vote that your son should have all privileges removed, be caned, and confined to his room for a week. If he protests that you are violating his rights, patiently explain his error and tell him that the majority have voted for this punishment and nothing matters except the will of the majority. When your child has matured sufficiently to understand how the judicial system works, set a bedtime for him of, say, 10 p.m. and then send him to bed at 9 p.m. When he tearfully accuses you of breaking the rules, explain that you made the rules and you can interpret them in any way that seems appropriate to you, according to changing conditions.

Promise often to take him to the movies or the zoo, and then, at the appointed hour, recline in an easy chair with a newspaper and tell him you have changed your plans. When he screams, "but you promised!", explain to him that it was a campaign promise and hence meaningless.

Every now and then, without warning, slap your child. Then explain that this is self-defence. Tell him that you must be vigilant at all times to stop any potential enemy before he gets big enough to hurt you. This, too, your child will appreciate, not right at that moment, maybe, but later in life.

If he finds this hard to accept, you can further illustrate the point as follows. Take him on a trip across town with you, to a strange neighbourhood. Walk into any random house you choose and start sorting out their domestic problems, using violence if that is what is required. Make sure you use overwhelming force to crush the family into submission - this avoids a protracted visit and becoming involved for long periods of time. Explain to your son that only a coward stands idly by whilst injustice is happening across town. Tell him we are all brothers and problems left to fester will eventually spill over into your neighbourhood. Use some of the $5 you took from your son as bus fare and to purchase a baseball bat.

Drink a bottle of whisky and then lecture him on the evils of smoking dope. If he points out your hypocrisy remind him that the majority of people drink and that, as already explained, the needs of the majority are the only moral standard.

Break up any meeting between him and more than three of his mates as being an 'unlawful gathering'.

If he strokes the cat without the cat giving its express permission, slap him hard for feline harassment.

Mark one designated spot in the yard where he can leave his bike. If he leaves it anywhere else, padlock it and demand $50 to release it. If he offends more than three times, confiscate the bike, sell it, and keep the money.

Install a CCTV system in your son's bedroom and also record all his telephone conversations. If he protests, accuse him of having something to hide. Explain that only criminals seek privacy and that good, dutiful children relinquish their privacy in exchange for the advantages which protective parenthood offers. Remind him of the boy across town who was caught smoking dope in his bedroom by just such a CCTV system, and explain that this case justifies installing CCTV in all teenagers' bedrooms.

Lie to your child constantly. Teach him that words mean nothing - or rather that the meanings of words are continually "evolving", and may be tomorrow the opposite of what they are today.

Have a word with his teachers at school and ask them to share any merit marks your son achieves, with any ethnic minority students who did not get any merit marks. If he questions this policy, explain that long ago we abused the ancestors of these people, and so it is only fair that he shares the merits around to compensate their descendants.

This is also probably a good time to tell him that his energy, talent and enthusiasm will not secure him a job if the quota of such 'abused' people has not yet been killed. Tell him talent stands for nothing - it is fairness and sharing which are important. Remind him that his primary duty is the happiness and welfare of people he does not know, and will never meet.

Ban cutlery from your home and make your son eat with his fingers. If he asks why, remind him of the youth who stabbed a cat to death last week with a fork. Explain that if just one cat is saved by the banning of cutlery, then this prohibition will be worthwhile. If he protests, question him closely about why he is intending to kill innocent cats, or accuse him of being a cat hater.

Issue him with a pass card which he must show before he can enter the house. Stand guard at the front door. When he comes home, politely but firmly take him into the spare room and question him about his movements. Ask him how much cash he has on his person. If in excess of $50, confiscate the lot as it exceeds the house rule for maximum cash allowed. Then search his rucksack and pockets. To keep him guessing, do the occasional strip search. If he protests, detain him for longer and make the search more thorough. If he gets really angry at this, hold him in a locked room until he misses his next outing or party.

If these methods sound harsh, I am only being cruel to be kind. I think it is important for children to understand the nature of the society in which we live.

I hope you found that amusing. I did when I wrote it, but on second reading, I feel a bit sick. It makes the point too plainly to avoid.